Zim vs. the Internet
by mirari1
Summary: FINISHED!!! Yay, I have actually finished something. The fan authors & cast teach the ISP a well-deserved lesson.
1. When Bad Things Happen to Impulsive Fan-...

            Heeeeyyyy everybody!  I haven't even finished my first fic, and yet I'm still starting this one.  Why?  Because.  Actually, this fic is a direct result of my first one.  As I mentioned before, my Internet has been acting reeeaally freaky for the past four days.  In fact, just as I finished uploading the second chapter of my first fic, my Internet connection was broken off, and my server wouldn't let me log back on.  This made me a little annoyed.  Scratch that.  This made me extremely annoyed.  So annoyed, that I decided that something needed to be done.  This fic is that something.  Right now, I can't think of anyone who deserves a good, super-sized helping of doom any more than my loathsome ISP.  So, on with the fic.

            As our story begins, K'Rin is sitting in front of her PC, innocently typing a fanfic.  She finishes, and clicks on the Connect To icon so she can post her fabulous story on ffn.  But, apparently, life (or maybe just K'Rin's Internet server) hates her.  Her screen says "dialing" for a moment, then switches to "disconnecting".  K'Rin is not very happy.  As far as she sees, she is left with only two choices.  Choice A:  K'Rin could wait for her server to come back online, then send her providers a comprehensive (but achingly polite) email about why their service is unsatisfactory.  Or she could go with choice B:  Assemble the cast of IZ and go doom her ISP, no explanation given.  

As K'Rin is mulling over this extremely difficult decision, her thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a small explosion, originating from her basement.  K'Rin is not unduly concerned; she has given Zim permission to use her labs, and minor to moderate explosions are to be expected.  Hopefully, nothing too valuable has been damaged.  

"ZIM!"  K'Rin yells.  "What have you done _this_ time?"

Zim does not answer, but is apparently unharmed.  K'Rin can hear his maniacal laughter all the way upstairs.

"ZIM!"  K'Rin yells again.  "Can you come up here?  I need your help with something!"

Still no reply.  K'Rin starts down the stairs to her basement.  "ZIM!"

This time, he answers.  He opens K'Rin's lab door, then shuts it quickly behind him.  He stands in the center of the stairwell, blocking K'Rin from moving any farther down.

"Zim," K'Rin asks suspiciously, "what did you do?"

He chuckles nervously.  "What makes you think I've done anything?"

"There was just an explosion," K'Rin points out.

"Explosion?  I heard no explosion.  You must be imagining things, Zeryllian."

"Yeah.  Right," K'Rin mutters.  She decides to let it go.  "I need your help.  I'm going to go doom my lousy Internet service provider, and you're coming with me."

"Why should I help you?"

"Easy," K'Rin replies smugly.  "If you come with, I'll pretend whatever you just destroyed down there never existed."

"Deal," Zim says quickly.

"I knew you'd see the light.  Put out the fires and meet me upstairs.  Oh, and have you seen Gir?  I might need him too." 

Zim stares blankly.  "I thought he was with you."

"No, he was with you."  A thought occurs to K'Rin.  "This isn't good.  If he wasn't with you, and he isn't with me, then Gir has been in my house, unsupervised, for over two hours.  Oh man." 

She dashes upstairs, calling for Gir.  She finds him in the kitchen, holding an empty brainfreezie cup.  He looks upset.

"What's the matter Gir?" K'Rin asks.  She has a bad feeling about that empty cup.

"I lost my brainfreezie," he sniffs.

"Are you sure you didn't drink it?"

Gir is silent for a moment.  "Yes," he replies definitely.

K'Rin groans.  "Uh oh.  I'd better help you look."

K'Rin begins searching the kitchen, more than a little afraid of what she may find.  She pulls open all the cabinets, and looks behind the fridge.  Nothing.  She straightens up from peering inside the microwave.  No brainfreezie.  Now she's really nervous.

"Yaaahhhh!"  

K'Rin yells in shock as something wet and very cold slides down her neck.  She looks up.  Gir's brainfreezie is stuck to the ceiling.

"My brainfreezie!" Gir cries happily.

K'Rin opens her mouth, then shuts it again.  Some questions are better left unanswered.  She goes to the bathroom to wash off the blob stuck to her neck.

Five minutes later, K'Rin enters her living room.  Zim and Gir are standing there.  Well, Zim is standing.  Gir is rolling around on the floor, giggling to himself.  K'Rin stares for a moment, then addresses them.

"Hold on guys.  I'll be right back.  There's one call I have to make before we go."  K'Rin walks back into the kitchen to use the phone.  She dials.

"Dib?  Hi.  It's K'Rin.  Listen, has your Internet been acting at all weird lately?"

"Now that you mention it, it has," Dib answers thoughtfully.  "I've been trying to log on to the Mysterious Mysteries site all morning, but I haven't been able to get an Internet connection.  How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess.  Actually, my Internet's been acting up too.  I've decided to go wreak vengeance upon my obnoxious server.  Wanna come?"

"I don't know," Dib replies suspiciously.  "Wreaking vengeance?  That sounds an awful lot like something Zim would do.  Was this his idea?" 

"Nope.  All mine."

"Will this involve the harming of any innocent people?"

K'Rin snorted.  "I would hardly call the incompetent corporate numbskulls working for my ISP innocent.  So no.  My wrath will be directed only at those who truly deserve it." 

"Welll, okay then."

"Great.  Meet me here as soon as you can."

K'Rin hangs up and returns to the living room.

"Good news guys.  Dib's coming too!"

Zim looks something less than thrilled.  "What!  You invited that idiotic human along!  Why?"

"Zim," K'Rin explains patiently, "we are looking to smite an international, multimillion dollar company.  We need all the help we can get." 

Zim still doesn't look happy, but capitulates when K'Rin shows no signs of changing her mind.  "Oh, very well," he grumbles.

The doorbell rings.  K'Rin answers it.

"Hello Dib."

"Hi K'Rin."

"Come on in.  Um, you wouldn't happen to have any weapons on you, would you?"

"No."

"Hmmm.  I probably should have mentioned that over the phone.  That's okay.  I'm sure I have something around here you can borrow.  Follow me."

K'Rin leads Dib to an ordinary looking closet.  She opens it to reveal a very formidable arsenal, containing everything from handheld lasers to something resembling a small nuclear warhead.  She hands Dib one of the lasers, then chooses a slightly larger one for herself.

"Hey Zim?" she calls, "Do you want anything while I'm in here?" 

Zim walks over to take a look.  He eyes the warhead interestedly.  "What's that?" he asks.

"That," K'Rin replies, "is a Zeryllian anti-matter warhead.  It can destroy an entire continent in the time it takes you to blink, and don't even think about it.  I promised Dib we wouldn't kill or main anyone innocent."

Zim glares at Dib, then picks up a weapon identical to K'Rin's.  "I suppose this will do."

K'Rin closes the closet.  "Okay.  Let's go rain some doom now."

They all walk back out into the living room.  Gir is still rolling on the floor.

Dib looks at K'Rin.  "What are you going to do with him?"

K'Rin looks at Zim.  "He's your robot."

"Gir!" Zim snaps.

Gir stands up and salutes, going instantly into red mode.  "Yes, my master!"

"I'm going on a mission.  Stay here and guard the house," Zim orders.

"Yes sir!"  Gir's eyes return to their normal cyan color.  "I'm gonna make waffles!"  He runs out of the room.

"All right guys," K'Rin says, "Now that that's taken care of, it's time to go."

They all walk out of K'Rin's house.

"It's sort of a long way to the ISP's headquarters," K'Rin explains, "We'll need to fly.  Zim, are you coming with me, or taking your Voot Runner?"

"I'll fly myself.  I don't trust your inferior piloting skills, Zeryllian."

"Inferior?" K'Rin retorts, "Is that a challenge?  Better watch yourself, Irken.  I've flown circles around much better pilots than you'll ever be."

"Hah," Zim snorts, "I bet you couldn't--"

"Um guys," Dib interrupts.  "Are we dooming this ISP or not?  Mysterious Mysteries is on in five hours, and I didn't set a tape."

"Right.  Back on task," says K'Rin.  She pulls a small electronic device out of her pocket, and presses her finger to one side of it.  A section of her lawn slides away, and a landing pad with both K'Rin's spacecraft and Zim's Voot Runner sitting on it rises to replace it.  Zim and K'Rin board their respective ships.  Dib goes with K'Rin.  Both crafts lift off smoothly, and turn in the direction of ISP headquarters.

"Now the fun part," K'Rin cackles evilly.  "That ISP won't know what hit it."

Okay.  That's all the insane ranting I have time for today.  But before I go, I need you guyses opinions.  Should I, or should I not, include other fanfic authors in this little piece of lunacy?  Do I even want to finish this poor, misguided piece of fan fluff?  I can't make up my poor, caffeine saturated mind.  Help, please?


	2. Wheedle Wheedle

            Hey, look!  It's me!  And I'm still writing this fic!  And I don't know why!  And I can't seem to stop ending sentences in exclamation points!  And all my sentences begin with 'and'!  And I don't know why that is either!  And I'm shutting up now!   Wait a minute, no I'm not!  (Hey, a sentence that didn't include 'and')  I've made up my mind about this fic.  Anyone who wants to be in it can say so in their review.  But even if I get no reviews, I'll still finish!  (There's that exclamation point again)

            K'Rin is staring out the front view port of her ship, looking puzzled.  "Hey, Dib?  Do you have the feeling that we forgot something?"

            "Noooo.  Why?  Do you?"

            "Yeah, I think I do.  Let's see."  She takes her hands off the controls to count on her fingers.  "You're here, Gir's at my house, Zim's following us…"  The ship begins to spin wildly out of control.  K'Rin continues her list.  "…we've got weapons…"

            "Aahh!  What are you doing!"  Dib leaps forward and takes the controls.  Unfortunately, he has no clue how to fly K'Rin's spacecraft, so this only makes things worse.  K'Rin is still trying to remember what she forgot, completely oblivious to the situation.

            CLUNK!

            "Ouch!  Hey, that hurt!"

            During a particularly violent spin, something falls from the ceiling onto K'Rin's head, jarring her rudely back to reality.

            "Gir?  But I thought you were back at the house."

            "I couldn't find the taco mix!"  Gir replies innocently.

            "Taco…mix?  I thought you were making waffles."

            "Oh yeaaaahhhh."

            K'Rin looks at Gir strangely.  "Whatever.  Hey!  I remember now."  She grabs the controls, and does a quick U-turn, flying back in the direction from whence they came.  "Where's Gaz?"   (A/N:  Thanks gaz)

            Zim's face appears on K'Rin's viewscreen.  "Where are you going, Zeryllian?" he sneers, "Lost?"

            "No," K'Rin replies, sneering back.  "I'm going to go get Gaz."

            "What!  Another filthy earthenoid?  Why must this be?!"

            "Um, K'Rin," Dib interjects, "All Gaz cares about is playing her Gameslave.  What makes you think she'll even come with us?"

            "Don't worry," K'Rin says confidently, "I can be very persuasive."

Five minutes later, at Dib's house…

            "Please?"

            "No."

            "_Please_?"

            "No!"

            "PLEASE?"

            "NO!"

            "Aww, come on.  It'll be fun."

            Gaz just glares at K'Rin.

            "Fine.  Be that way," K'Rin shrugs.  "But remember, you made me do this.  I am now forced to wheedle you into coming with me."

            "What?"

            "Wheedle, wheedle," K'Rin replies, grinning evilly.  "Wheedle wheedle wheedle."  (A/N:  Yep, I stole this from The Angry Beavers.  Too good a line to waste.)

            Gaz's eye begins to twitch.  Any sane person would run far, far away at this point.  However, that particular adjective does not apply to K'Rin.

            "If you interrupt my game ONE MORE TIME…"

            "Wheedle wheedle wheedle wheedle wheedle wheedle wheedle…" 

            "ARGH!  Fine!  If I come with you, will you just leave me ALONE?"

            "Wheed- Deal.  If you come with me this one time, I will never bother you again for the rest of eternity."  (Gaz doesn't notice K'Rin's crossed fingers) 

            "Let's go," Gaz says grumpily.

Back on K'Rin's ship…

            Gaz is seated on the floor, playing Vampire Piggy Hunter 3 and glaring at Gir, who is trying to 'help'.  

"How did you get her to come?" Dib whispers amazedly to K'Rin.

K'Rin looks at him innocently.  "I told you I was persuasive."

Okay.  That was a short chapter.  Thanks to gaz, who pointed out that Gaz was not in my fic.  Also, I do not own anything in this fic other than myself.  That whole wheedle thing was from The Angry Beavers, and I don't own that either.  (I can't believe Nick took that show off the air.  Argh!)  Okay, if anyone would like to help me smite that annoying ISP, just say so in your review.  (Smite is my new favorite word.  That's one of the reason's I'm finishing this fic.  There's lots of opportunity to use it in a fic about dooming stuff.  Which brings me to my most terrible dilemma.  What is the past tense of 'smite'?  Is it smited, smote, smitten?  I don't know.  I have had many involved conversations on the topic with many different people, and none of them know either.  If you know, please tell me!)  Okay.  R and R please!  Don't force me to wheedle you!


	3. Title?

            Okay.  I'll make this short and sweet.  Anyone who asked to be in this fic got in.  Unfortunately, I could not find descriptions of everyone, so if you don't have a description, that's why.  If anyone still wants to be in this fic who I haven't included yet, feel free to volunteer.   Oh, and thank you to Authoress and Invader ZaiFae, who have informed me that the past tense of 'smite' is not smitten, but is either 'smote' or 'smited'.  And, since my computer spell check keeps telling me that 'smited' is not a word, I'm gonna go with 'smote' as the correct answer.

K'Rin's ship…

            "Okay guys.  If my calculations are correct, we're almost there."

            Dib looks out the window.  "Are you sure?  I don't see any Internet companies out there.  Bigfoot maybe, but no Internet."

            The ship is flying over wilderness.  All that can be seen in any direction are trees.

            "Sure I'm sure," K'Rin says confidently.  "Uh, at least I think I'm—Yaaahhhh!  What was that?!"

            Something magenta in color streaks past K'Rin's viewport.  The wind from its passage makes the spacecraft shake dangerously. 

 The thing begins to double back.  This time, Dib and K'Rin are able to identify it as a Voot Runner.

K'Rin glares out her viewport.  "Zim!  I'll get him for that one."  She contacts the pilot of the Voot Runner via viewscreen.  "Zim!  What do you think you're—Hey!  You're not Zim!"

A female Irken has appeared on the screen.  She has blue eyes, curly antennae, and is wearing a black trenchcoat.

"Nope," the pilot remarks cheerfully.  "I'm Saturnia, from ffn.  My Internet connection went all wacked, so now I'm gonna go doom my provider.  Who are you?"

"I'm K'Rin.  And I'm on my way to smite my ISP too!"

"Really?  Wow!  This is either an amazing coincidence or a very clever plot contrivance!"

"No kidding."

"Hey, K'Rin?" Saturnia questions, after a moment, "You wouldn't happen to know the exact location of this Internet company, would you?"

"Uh, according to my high-tech tracker device thingy, it's located in that little shack down there."

"Oh.  The one that the disgruntled mob of fanfic authors are waving their torches and pitch forks at?"

"Yep, that's the one."

Saturnia and K'Rin land their ships near the shack.  Zim's Voot Runner is already parked nearby.  Zim is nowhere to be seen.

"Hmmm," K'Rin remarks, "I wonder where he got to."  She powers down her ship, then addresses Dib, Gaz, and Gir.  "Come on guys, let's go."

"I'm staying here," Gaz tells her.  K'Rin opens her mouth to argue, but shuts it again when Gaz informs her that, should K'Rin interrupt her game again, Gaz will put K'Rin off of solid food for life.

"Fine," K'Rin concedes, "Dib and I will go.  You can stay here with Gir."

"What?  Why aren't you taking the robot with you?  It's ruining my concentration."

Gir is currently running around in circles, screaming.  "Wheeeeeeheeeeeee!"

K'Rin points.  "*That* is why."

K'Rin and Dib exit the ship.  Saturnia is waiting for them outside.  Dib eyes the rampaging mob of fanfic authors warily.  "Who are they?" he asks nervously.

"They're your fans," K'Rin informs him.

"Oh.  Great."

Saturnia and K'Rin approach the people in front of the shack.  "Did your Internet get cut off too?"

"Yeah," Chaos Shadow replies angrily.  "But we can't get inside to do anything about it."

"Don't you guys have anything to break in with?" K'Rin asks.

Invader ZaiFae joins the conversation.  "Good question.  I'll ask.  HEY GUYS!"

The mob pauses.

"DOES ANYONE HAVE ANYTHING WE CAN USE TO BREAK IN?"

Several objects are waved in the air, including a crowbar, a rolled up newspaper, and a Twinkie.

"Hey you! With the crowbar," K'Rin yells, "Come here!"

Invader Abs pushes through the crowd and hands K'Rin the crowbar.  She uses it to wrench open the door.  Inside, it is dark, musty, and smelly.

"Are you *positive* we're in the right place?" Dib questions K'Rin.

"Of course we are.  This is merely the inconspicuous façade of the obnoxious ISP's headquarters.  All we need to do is find the terribly cliché secret entrance that will lead us to the real headquarters."

"If you say so."

K'Rin, Chaos Shadow, Saturnia, Invader Abs, and Invader ZaiFae begin searching the shack.

"I think I found it!" Chaos Shadow yells.

The others hurry over to see.  The back of a small closet has swung around, revealing an opulent gold elevator.

"You're right," Invader Abs comments.  "That *is* terribly cliché."

Chaos Shadow, Saturnia, K'Rin, Invader ZaiFae, and Invader Abs step into the elevator.  The door closes smoothly behind them.  The elevator starts its descent automatically.  The standard annoying music begins to play.  After about ten seconds, K'Rin's eye begins to twitch.  The other authors try to back away, but can't because the elevator's too small.  Luckily, the elevator chooses this moment to stop moving.  The door slides open.  Invader ZaiFae screams in horror.

"Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!  Noooooooooo!"

Mwahahahahahahah!  I made a cliffhanger, I made a cliffhanger!  Now, you have no choice but to wait in agonizing suspense for the next chapter.  Fear my awesome power!  Soon I shall rule you all!  Mwahahahahahahah-Ahhhhhhhhhhh! *slips on a Twinkie and falls over*   


	4. The Internet Honchos are Rightfully Smit...

Hey, I think I'm getting close to actually finishing something I've started!  Hooray for me!  Um, I'm switching to script form because I'm lazy, and don't feel like writing "so and so said" every time someone talks.  One day I'm gonna hafta learn to type right.

Invader ZaiFae:  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Nooooooooooooo!

K'Rin:  (stares at her strangely) What's wrong?

Invader ZaiFae:  I left Weasel upstairs!

K'Rin:  What's Weasel?

Invader ZaiFae:  My trained attack ferret of doom.

K'Rin:  (puzzled) You named your ferret 'Weasel'?

Chaos Shadow:  Um, aren't we supposed to be dooming stuff?  No one's reading this fic to hear you two talk.

Invader Abs:  (mutters) No one's reading this fic period.

K'Rin:  Hey!  Remember who's got the author's omnipotence here!

Invader Abs:  (mutters some more) That's my point.

K'Rin:  (ignoring Invader Abs)  Let's go find this ISP's CEO (Ohhhh, two acronyms in a row) so we can all go home.

 Saturnia:  Sounds good to me.

(Invader ZaiFae, Chaos Shadow, Saturnia, Invader Abs, and K'Rin exit the elevator and walk down a long, marble-floored hallway.)

Chaos Shadow:  Sheesh.  These people have an awful nice building for producing such a crappy product.  Can we destroy it yet?

K'Rin:  Nah, first we have to punish the incompetent corporate dirt-people who took away our Internet.  Then, we blow up the building.

Chaos Shadow:  (shrugs) If you say so.

(Our intrepid group of fanfic authors reaches a very large, ornate mahogany door.  They pause.)

Saturnia:  Think the CEO's are in there?

K'Rin:  (shrugs)  Maybe.  Let's look.

(Invader ZaiFae pulls open the door.  Dib, Zim, and Invader Fiy fall out from inside.)

K'Rin:  Yaahhhh!  Where'd you guys come from?

Dib, Zim:  (shrug)

Invader Fiy:  Would it be too overdone if I said I used the staff entrance?

K'Rin:  (thinks)  Yes.

(The group of IZ cast and fan authors start walking some more.  They come to another, even more ornate mahogany door.)

Chaos Shadow:  That's definitely the one.

Dib:  How can you tell?

Chaos Shadow:  (points) (There is a flashing neon sign above the door.  It reads "CEO Boardroom" in ten-foot high letters.)   Need I say more?

(Saturnia pushes open the door.  All the Internet honchos are in a meeting, finishing a deal with someone who looks very familiar…)

Everyone:  *gasps in shock*

K'Rin:  You!

Familiar Looking Dude:  Yes, it is I!  Herb Scannel, President of Nickelodeon, and Lord of all sappy, kid-oriented television!  (A/N:  Oh come on!  A fic about doom without even one reference to Nick?  I _had_ to do it!)

Saturnia:  What are _you_ doing here?  Shouldn't you be at Nickelodeon Studies, devising some new way to aggravate IZ fans?

Herb Scannel:  I have developed a far more heinous plan!  This Internet company belongs to me now!  Soon, only friendly, _caring_, TV shows will be allowed to have websites.  And strange, violently inclined kids like you won't have Internet access at all!  MWAHAHAHA!

All:  NOOOOOOOO!

Zim:  Human slime!

Dib:  It's a conspiracy!

Invader Fiy:  Ooooo, that is heinous.

Invader Abs:  I thought a disgruntled mob of fan authors already killed that guy.

Herb Scannel:  Never!  No one can defeat Herb Scannel!  For I am the President…of NICKELODEON!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA! 

(In a flash of fire and brimstone, Scannel transforms into a bat.  He flutters out the door past the startled fan authors.)

K'Rin:  Oooookay, well that was weird.

Invader Zaifae:  Can we hurt them now?  (She gestures at the scared looking group of ISP honchos.)

K'Rin:  (shrugs)  Knock yourself out!

(There are the obligatory screams, explosions, maniacal laughter, killing, maiming, brutally injuring, dismemberment, ect. ect. ect. usually associated with this kind of fic.  Finally, the carnage is over.)

Invader Abs:  Well that was fun.  (She's covered in bloodstains.)

Invader Fiy:  What do we do now?

Dib:  Are we done here?  I need to go watch Mysterious Mysteries.  Today's segment is on zombie gerbils.

K'Rin:  Yeah, I'd say our work here is done.

(Everyone files into the elevator and returns to the surface.  They all board their respective spacecrafts and return home.  Dib does not miss Mysterious Mysteries.  Only one question remains:  Where did Herb Scannel go?)

Place:  Somewhere between ISP headquarters and Florida

Altitude:  20,000 feet.

Herb Scannel (still a bat):  Hahahahahahah!  They will never triumph over Herb!  NEVER!  Mwahahahahah—Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh (gets sucked into the engine of a low flying passenger plane.)  (A/N:  Did anyone get the Simpsons reference?)

            Wheehoo!  Yes!  I have finished a fic!  And what a weird, twisted little fic it was!  Thanks again to everyone who volunteered to be in this thing.  R&R  


End file.
